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Saturday, March 23, 2013
Hola Nueva Yorkers, Mi Llamo es Miguel Bloombito
You know I’m beginning to think that maybe those Mayan’s
were just really bad at record keeping. When actual news stories start to read as if they
were hatched over at The Onion, you
start to wonder if the Mayan they left in charge of their calendar had one too
many the night before he sent it to print. My reasoning behind that: Take a look at the
Mayor of New York City, Mike Bloomberg. It seems that the self-made billionaire financier,
turned politician, turned defender of all New Yorker’s with elevated blood
pressure, has been waging war on a massive scale for the last few years.
Waging war against what you ask? Could it be unemployment, which is at 8.8% in
New York City
and higher than the national average?
Not a chance slick don’t you know, we’re in a recovery. The media says so. Is it against Al-Qaeda? Don’t be silly, we have them on the run. The President says so. Hell we can even bring knives on airplanes
again. Besides, Al-Qaeda only cares
about overseas diplomatic posts now. Oh
wait, wasn’t it a silly YouTube video that caused that tragedy?
No my friends, you see the Honorable Hizzoner Euphegenia Doubtfire, finally found his political niche; he’s
fighting the Jihad of all Jihads’: an intifada on soda, salt and just about any
other vice that makes it into his crosshairs.
He’s even taking on excess earbud volume (really I swear I’m not making
this up) and–wait for it—the evil incarnate that is BABY FORMULA.
Now before you try to Google any of that, please, allow a
few minutes for it to marinate in your brain if anything just to remind you of
the fools we the people elect to public office.
Even though there’s a strong likelihood that Andy Warhol will be
reincarnated and ooze from your eardrum, take this moment to reflect. Ok you can breathe easy now; you’re not
really crazy, just a bit misguided and occasionally fooled, kind of like a Taylor
Here we have the elected mayor of the largest city in
America with over 8 million residents, with a legislative plate that should be quite full of real issues,
working tirelessly to get his constituents to eat and drink and behave exactly how
he would like them to. And to boot, he’s more than willing to use whatever executive
powers he has as Mayor to force them to relent—no matter the ancillary effects. Effects like those silly separation of powers
doctrines politicians are supposed to adhere to by you know that other silly
thing called THE LAW.
But what’s having a little nuisance like the law that’s ever
stopped this mayor? New York City had
firm term limits in place until he convinced the City Council to allow him to
run for a third term—how’s that working out for you New Yorker’s? He like so many politicians who prefer we do
as they say --like good little lemmings--versus as they do themselves; but that
doesn’t even scratch the surface of my indignation with this elected uber-nanny—and
I’m not even a resident of New York.
He’s been fairly predictable Mayor Bloomberg. He started with a city wide initiative to
reduce trans-fats in food served in city restaurants. After that his many targets became smoking in
public –banning it in public parks and in city restaurants and bars. His assault continued when he focused his ire
against salt-part of an overall initiative to combat high blood
pressure in 2010- which took center stage at Gracie Mansion. So insane his rationale that he's instituted a ban on food that is donated to homeless shelters that cannot have their salt,fat and fiber content assessed. Of course we’re all aware of his desire to
ban large sugary drinks, which was recently struck down in court as being an
overreach of his executive powers.
Somebody pass the salt, oh wait, damn.
And just when you thought he’s had his fill of social
tinkering, Major Bloombito (as his FAKE Twitter account parodying his less than eloquent use of the Spanish language would say)
is becoming “loco en la cabeza”, deciding that excessive earbud noise is
becoming a chronic danger to all human life within the 5 boroughs. I find
myself constantly trying to remind you that I’m not making any of this up. With that said, I give you the piece de
resistance – Mayor Mike has decided in his infinite wisdom—that he would like
to new mothers the benefits of breast feeding their children versus using
baby formula. This man is a gift to
comedians, political and social pundits alike.
In fact he brings new meaning to the term “the gift that keeps on
The problem I have with this ninny nanny of a Mayor is how
he’s using his position as an elected official, to micromanage people’s lives—all
the while thumbing his nose at the legislative process and at the very same people
he claims to be so concerned over. Somehow I find it hard to believe that when
Jefferson and the boys sat down in Philly to hash out this whole concept of a
free nation, that they envisioned anything remotely close to this.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m in favor of people
binging on Big Gulp’s until they’re blood registers as a natural sweetener or
seeing people gorge themselves on Big Mac’s until the secret sauce oozes out of
their pores. Although I've heard Nancy Pelosi can't say enough about it's anti-oxidant benefits. I’m just, as most people
are, sick of elected officials trying to control every aspect of our lives and
force us to behave in ways they believe is
acceptable. That is not what
government—at least ours- was ever designed to do.
If anything it was that type of encroachment into people lives (not to
mention those pesky little things like taxation without representation) that
formed this nation in the first place.
Imagine if Mayor McNumbnutt decided that he wanted to lower
the rates of abortions in New York City and pushed some half-baked idea using
the city’s Department of Health as his vehicle.
Some of the very same people who’ve been silent on the mayor’s mini-rampages
would suddenly find their collective voices to protest. And I’m quite sure the media would find a way
to highlight their anger on a daily basis.
What are you saying Spector, that the media picks and chooses who and what they
prefer in the national debate, skewing it just enough to frame the issue? Of course that never happens.
Let them eat cake, or pastrami on rye.
Remember this, anytime a politician tries to micro-manage your life, a
founding father loses his wings. Whether
it’s the social engineering of the left or that of the right neither should be
excused. Society isn’t some Petri dish used
for a politician’s grand experiment nor is it government’s responsibility to
tell us how to live. That’s where freedom
and responsibility kick in. Remember the
old saying, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. With so many greater issues that are at play
you have to wonder if people like Michael Bloomberg are simply bored with their
I guess when you become a billionaire and want to kill a
little time you either run for mayor and try to force people to do what you’d
like them to do or you create a reality TV show pitting celebrities against one
another for their favorite charity.
Maybe Mayor Mike can hire Dennis Rodman as his public relations director
when he gets back from negotiating peace with North Korea. I’ll take my liberty with a side order of
stay the hell out of my life you nitwit politicians and a large Coke. Damn you Mayan record keepers. Damn you.